Sunday, 3rd May

It is almost 2 weeks that Jimmy has been back at work now.  So much for us discussing in detail how he was going to cope with tiredness and making a decision that every second day would be a good idea, giving him the day in between to rest and recover.  He has been in every day going in a bit later in the morning and leaving the office at closing time unless he has to have bloods done.

While on the subject of bloods, he is having them done now every 2 or 3 days as they are keeping an eye on his low platelet count.  His white blood cell count seems to be a bit like a yo yo ranging between 2.7 and 4.2.  Jimmy's haemoglobin has been pretty constant between 9.7 and 10.7 but his platelets just keep dropping.  He had bloods done on Friday and had to go into high care yesterday for a platelet transfusion.  They have now dropped to 21.  This is a little worrying to me as he has to be careful that he doesn't injure himself as this could result in internal bleeding.  Other than this the only niggle Jimmy has is some backache but we'll discuss this with Prof.

We have our appointment with Prof Novitzky tomorrow at 5pm to discuss the results of the bone marrow biopsy and the M-protein results.  I am feeling a bit nervous as I am sure he will also tell us what comes next and of course this depends on the bone marrow biopsy results.  I didn't phone to find out what the results of the bone marrow biopsy are as it would not have come with an explanation which I think is worse than knowing what they are.

My life has really taken a turn since Jimmy has gone back to work. I can't quite put my finger on it.  I know I am supposed to be overjoyed at the fact that there were no Myeloma cells present on his last M-protein pathology results but quite simply put, I just don't.  Maybe it's because I am waiting to see Prof tomorrow when we will know what the future holds?  Maybe it's because I know that Multiple Myeloma is not curable and it will come back?  Maybe I have just put up too many walls so that I can never feel like I did that first week after Jimmy was diagnosed?  And then I thought that maybe I am feeling down because I have been so busy being the strong person and looking after Jimmy for more than a year, forcing myself to be strong and positive for him that I am now actually only taking it all in.  The last year has just been go, go for me.  So many people have asked how I cope and my answer is always simply that when you've got to do it you do, thinking just doesn't come into it.  Maybe I am thinking about it all now?  I feel a bit selfish too as Jimmy is doing so well and his life is coming back to normal and he has returned to work and where is my life now.  Some days it is so bad that I actually feel like I have been used for the last year.  In all this I gave up everything including having my children live with me and  I don't feel like I am getting anything back.

If Jimmy is in remission, which I know we are all hoping and praying for, how long will it last?  I don't think I can deal with how I feel now if this is how it's going to be going forward.  Always wondering when.  We've been together 24/7 for the last year and when something like this happens you think about life and what the important things are.  Being together and making the most of every moment has been so important but it's not the same now that Jimmy has gone back to work.  He comes home and unwinds like he always did, in front of the TV and watches sport.  We eat dinner and watch a movie together and then we go to bed. Of course this is all normal in most households but Jimmy has cancer which is not normal.  I don't want to be in a rut....I want to make every moment count.

We did spend a lovely weekend camping with my parents on the beach in Gansbaai last weekend.  We've had two long weekends in a row here in SA.  It was pure bliss to get away.  We love camping and I had been dying to get away again.  I just love the licence so sit in a camp chair and read or take in nature and do nothing.  We took a lovely walk on the harbour wall one evening and watched the sun set.

The days are definitely getting shorter in Cape Town now with chilly mornings and evenings and we've had our first bit of rain too.  I am not a winter person and battle to keep warm so I hope we can look forward to a shorter, dryer winter this year.  I do believe that it might also have something to do with the fact that Cape Town in not very conducive to camping in winter.

Keep us in your thoughts tomorrow at 5pm when we see Prof and of course I will update on here once we get home.